Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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