god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
