last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
that may or may not have been my penis.
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