is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
