Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
