We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
