According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
