i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
