Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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