My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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