My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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