In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
