what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
