its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
