I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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