Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
