and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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