I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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