You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
