I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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