Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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