Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
that's an acceptable place to lick
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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