if i can run in heels then i can drive
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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