I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
