i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
