omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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