I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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