oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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