Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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