I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
