Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
