This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
