I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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