I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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