You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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