Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
only you would photoshop your dick
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
