Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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