Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
