How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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