What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
