i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
