i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
