I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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