Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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