I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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