dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
