i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
