Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
