last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
