you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
